Personal Path: Snags & Signs

I've held off writing this post for a while now; so long, in fact, that the USA has achieved 100% marriage equality since my last post! Wowza! Part of the problem is that I've been cooking up about five different posts in my head over the last few weeks, all on disparate topics, so sitting down to write has been a daunting task. I won't cover all of those topics with this post. This is more of a "response to crisis moment" piece, and as such comes straight out of experience. (Hah! I told myself that I needed to let experience guide me more!)

Some of my friends know that I've recently taken demonstrable steps to express changes in my identity - changes which are the result of several years of thinking and reflecting carefully. As I don't often sit down to talk about my identity-challenges with others (and rarely write about them), most of this has gone on in my own head, privately and invisibly to those who know me. My shift toward the Pagan path is only the newest change.

Since the beginning of this year, I have been far more open about my gender identity and sexual orientation. Now being "out" is a gradual process, especially so for me, as the visible part of all of this is the outgrowth of several years worth of internal work. I came out as asexual and aromantic; I started to identify as gender-fluid/gender queer/agender (still a work in progress), and to change my hair and dress to reflect this. (Not that a gender-fluid/queer person has to dress any particular way; sartorial choices and gender do not always coincide, nor should they!)

My political orientation hasn't changed much - I'm still an anarcho-municipalist - but my recent political statements concerning the upcoming US presidential race might sound odd, considering I've endorsed Bernie Sanders, a Socialist from Vermont. While I'd be much happier with a left-leaning Libertarian like last race's Gary Johnson (who is not running again), Bernie seems like the right choice this time. There are some issues that need his unique perspective, and his track record is vastly superior, in my mind, to Hillary Clinton's.

Now, I've been living away from my parents, independently, for almost four years - save for a few semesters after gradute school when I commuted from their house to work at two different colleges. I'm living on my own again, this time with an older housemate, and I've never felt more independent. For the first time in my whole life, I feel like I might be "a real adult." It is because of this situation that I have felt free to experiment, change things up, chop off my hair, shop in the men's department, and so forth. Not that my parents ever pressured me to be one way or another, but I seriously doubt they understand the concept of "normativity" and its subconscious influence.

Enter the argument with my mother, via text-message. She argues that I've drastically changed, for no good reason, and this scares her; I'm "lying to myself" in order to "fit in," she says. I'm not being true to myself. "I remember you as a child; you were happy with yourself. You never had problems with feminine things." "I don't know who you are anymore or how to be around you." "You can't just show up to dinner looking like a teenage boy and think we wouldn't notice!" "I feel like I've lost a daughter."

Ok, so that hurt. I tried to explain to her that identity is fluid, that we don't always know who we are, that some of us aren't "born that way," we grow into it organically as we come to better understand ourselves, our environments, and our world. My own self-realization has been rooted not so much in feelings of dis-ease or discomfort with my assigned gender, but in the comfort of expanding my gender expression to include things I once thought were off-limits to me.

Additionally, there has been my gender studies curriculum and my realization that, hey, I don't even know what gender is, so how the hell can I know what mine is?! To be honest, I don't even think I believe in gender. This is one of the reasons why the gender-assigned imagery in paganism is still such a big sticking point for me. WHY IS EARTH FEMALE? WHY IS SKY MALE? EXPLAAAAIN?!?! (Another post on this and my frustrations with the ancient Indo-Europeans and modern Wiccans in the future...)

Of course, the political issues were not easily explained either. She then gave me a rant about the ills of socialism, then slipped into a discussion on the value of religion in society ... I'm not sure why. (I'm pretty sure it wasn't the old "Socialism = Communism = Atheism" fallacy. At lest, pretty sure.) All about "surrendering to a higher power" and "my will conformed to God's" and "not being selfish."

Thankfully this all happened over text-message, so it didn't have the full emotional effect it might have had. The big error in this whole situation was that I failed to involve my parents in my long process of reflection. I didn't feel that they'd understand, and the whole process was so private, that I didn't tell them about what I was feeling two, three years ago, so of course how could they connect my current behavior with anything other than a radical jump into the queer end of the pool?

I don't know how or whether I'll integrate my parents into my path, especially considering all of the misunderstanding and judgment that has already been laid down. I think I didn't communicate any of this with them earlier for the previously stated reasons, and because I didn't want to say anything until I was sure for myself. Unfortunately, humans aren't mind readers, so there's that problem. A part of me also wonders if it's even worth it. Should I subject myself to more potential judgment and misunderstanding, just to exhaust myself by trying to offer up explanations rooted in years of study and theory that they will possibly reject anyway, on ideological grounds?

When I think about it that way, all I want to do is retreat into my cave as I've always done. In that, at least, I maintain continuity with my childhood!

But now that I'm walking this pagan path, I have to stop and think: what signs does this path offer? What guideposts offer me a sense of direction, and what guides are here to steer me?

Wisdom: Take the time to perceive the situation correctly; see all the sides before deliberating upon a choice or response.
Vision: Broaden my perspective in order to see and relate to the whole of my place and duty in time, space, and community.
Courage: acting appropriately and in line with my values in the face of fear.
Integrity: keeping my word; being honest with myself and others.
Perseverance: continuing on the journey (the ones laid out before me and those I've chosen) in the face of difficulty.
Hospitality: honoring the gifts others have given with balanced reciprocity; not taking relationships for granted.

What do I know right now?

I know I am happy as I am. I am happy mixing about with expectations concerning my gender assignment. I am happy ignoring those expectations. I am happy not being attracted to anyone. I am happy when no one is attracted to me. I am happy with the idea that romantic love is not for me.

I am confident I have thought carefully. I have blogged (elsewhere, now deleted) through this process. I have thought and conversed. I have pushed, pulled, twisted, and poked all of these concepts. I have challenged myself and my assumptions. I have done my due diligence.

I see a light ahead. Expressing my new self-realizations has opened up for me new futures, new interests, and new, uncharted paths. There can be no true progress without somewhere to move towards. The promise of novelty, the call of the unknown, these are not fads that I mimic, but gravity-wells of hidden meanings that draw me beyond the boundaries of my expectations and into true exploration.